Halloween

It's that time of year again, when all the kiddies come out dressed as ghouls, goblins, Hulks and princesses all in search of treats in which you had better make good on lest you be the recipient of a trick! To be perfectly honest, I have never been on the receiving end of Halloween trickery. That's not to say that I haven't doled out my fair share of holiday hi jinks in my younger years. With that said, whoever owned that convertible red VW bug in 1988, I would like to say I'm sorry and I hope that everything cleaned up easily.
Now that I am considered an adult, well, my wife might have a different opinion on that, I am responsible for ensuring that my kids have a safe and spooky experience on that one special night when jumping at a shadow brings out a little nervous laughter.
Being scared is one thing I miss most about being a child. The "fears" I have now are manageable and usually have something to do with something horrible happening to my family or friends. I recall being absolutely frozen in fear while watching The Exorcist with my dad when I was about 6 years-old. I must have had nightmares for at least 15 years afterwards. In fact, even as I write this, a memory of one of those nightmares caused a shiver to course up my spine and the hair on the back of my neck to raise. This is what I like, this is what I miss. When you grow up and realize that there is no Freddy Kruger in your dreams, Michael Myers hiding in your closet or Jason under your bed, everything that was once "scary" just becomes... silly. Also as an adult, I realize that if Jason or Michael Myers were hiding in my house, they would have to deal with the .45 Sig Sauer I keep handy for all the "monsters" of the world. The fear that feeds children's nightmares is a powerful thing. The fear, however, does not deter them from hitting the streets in search of a chocolate high.
On Halloween, most kids are like sugar-fueled animals ripping through flower beds and practically pushing one another down to get from one house to the next in search of the candy. The last thing on their mind are the things that go bump in the night. My kids aren't really that different. I spend most of the time trying to keep them out of the grass, reminding them to say "Trick or treat" and then prompting them to say "Thank you" as they practically leap off the porch to run to the next house; wash, rinse and repeat for the next hour. I typically take a thermos of warm wassail, which I highly recommend as a holiday drink, with as much Sailor Jerry rum as I can fit in there, which I recommend even more, and that keeps the entire annual "candy run" in pretty good perspective.
The last hour my wife and I will usually sit on the front porch to hand out candy to the kids who are still beating the streets for the sweets. Typically, our kids our sitting near us rummaging through their goodies and asking which ones they are allowed to eat. My three year old is constantly reminding me that she isn't going to eat the whole bag because that would make her "belly" hurt.
So, with pumpkins to carve and costumes to prepare, I will leave you to prepare for your own holiday traditions. In the meantime, remember to use this special night as a reason to feel scared again. Pay attention to the shadow that just seemed to move out of the corner of your eye, listen for the sounds of footsteps rushing up behind you and the howls of animals on the hunt. Then, take a sip of rum and remember that it's just the children celebrating the "frighteningly" awesome holiday that is Halloween.
Oh, and one more thing; yes, the picture attached is the pumpkin I carved for this years festivities.
Until next time, enjoy the pure random.

In a van down by the Cumberland River

It's story time on the radar. Enjoy.

I was in my early 20's and had moved to Nashville, Tn., literally because it came up heads on a coin toss decision. My roommate and I loaded up everything we owned into this brown Econoline van that we had recently purchased and motored into Music City, U.S.A., arriving at our destination on fumes.

Wait! Perhaps a little background might help set the stage a little better.

Before we had actually made the move, I had traveled down to Nashville about a month or so before so that I could pick-up some local newspapers and city guides in an attempt to get the lay of the land and maybe do a little house hunting. Additionally I had an interview scheduled for a job at a downtown hotel. I wasn't sure I was going to get hired, but a friend of mine had put in a good word for me with the general manager who happened to be his aunt. He told her that I was moving down there and she had agreed to meet with me and possibly give me a position if one was available. This was all very exciting stuff for me as I was an aspiring musician at the time and moving to Nashville was like going to the mountain. Well, actually, I was a musician who was simply aspiring to get a steady paycheck at the top of that mountain. Like most musicians, I needed a day job until my big break.

I spent a few days in Nashville picking up newspapers, got a tattoo, went to some bars and generally had a hell of a time on money that was supposed to be used for getting us an apartment. Not my finest moment, agreed, but I didn't exactly come home empty handed either.

The interview was quick and successful. I was given a job on the spot and filled out the application along with the tax form right there in her office. Additionally, I was given another application and tax form for my friend as she hired him sight unseen. Things were definitely going our way.

Ok, now that I have the background stuff out of the way, where were we?

Ah yes, coasting in on fumes. The Econoline, which we had named Mother ship, only overheated one time in the four hour drive south into downtown Nashvegas. I was driving my little pick-up truck, which we subsequently named The Pod. Since my search for shelter bore no fruit during my earlier visit, my friend and I decided that we could simply pull into the parking lot of the hotel, throw some blankets and newspapers over the windows of the Mother ship and plant our flag right there until we got enough money to get a real place. We figured it wouldn't take that long. This was mid-October. The evenings were definitely getting cooler, but the days were still warm. This arrangement worked just fine; for awhile.

After a month or so of shivering through the nights because we couldn't leave the van on for heat 1. Because it leaked carbon monoxide through the flooring, and 2. We could hardly afford to keep gas in it. Besides that, guests at the hotel were beginning to complain to me that the parking lot smelled like urine. They always said "Urine" in a half whisper and crinkled their nose up to indicate their embarrassment at broaching the subject and their disgust for human waste. I was always very understanding of their situation and had routinely said that even though this was a great city, we did have a bit of a homeless epidemic and that they could be potentially using the parking lot as a toilet. As my job was to ensure their satisfaction, I usually agreed to move them to another location and give them a discount on their room for their inconvenience. The only thing I didn't tell them was that I knew exactly who those homeless people peeing in the parking lot were.

Not to belabor this point, but when you live in a van in a parking lot, certain conveniences, such as toilets, aren't readily available. What is available, however, is a big water bottle that you can use to go number 1 in. Once the bottle was full, you simply poured it out the window. If the smell got to be to much, you simply moved the van "up wind" and the problem was solved. One aspect of living in a van that was appealing, at the time, was the fact that you didn't even have to get out of bed to go to the liquor store. On numerous occasions we would be out of beer and would simply take down the blanket we had over the front of the van to keep peering eyes out and drive one block up to the liquor store. You jump out, buy some beer, jump in, drive back to the parking lot and you didn't even have to get out of your PJ's. That was definitely a major perk for a twenty something malcontent who lived in a van called the Mother ship.

Even with perks like that, we eventually had to start looking for a real place to stay.

We had saved up a little money and had enough for a security deposit and first months rent on a place, but we had to do this smartly because this was every collective cent we owned. We scoured the newspapers looking for places we could afford. We fixated ourselves on the cost factor, not the geographic location of the rental property. Probably not the best way to go about this process, especially in a city you are unfamiliar with.

The first time we went to check out a place for rent, a bearded lady, that's right, she had a 5 O'clock shadow, sat with us in her office to "go over the rules." "No visitors past 10 p.m.," she said. "Nobody can spend the night." I looked at her a little confused and said, "Why?" "We have a problem with hookers and druggies," was the answer. Mmmm, I feel good about this place already. I went with her to tour one of the units, stepping over a bum passed out in the breezeway with an empty bottle of Listerine in his hands on my way. The room was small and had cinder blocks for walls. No paint, no dry wall, just concrete blocks. "We'll let you know," I said as I backed out of the room.

The next place we went to was a little more promising. The rental office looked nicer than the last one and the neighborhood had a grocery store at the end of the road along with a laundry mat. I recall very vividly that the sun was shining and it was a beautiful day, which looking back on it now, probably added to the illusion that this was a nice place. My roommate and I stuck our heads into the rental office and said that we had an appointment. The lady simply threw us a key and said,"It's unit 4." We ambled down the road looking at the front doors for the unit talking about how nice it's going to be not to live in the van anymore. We carried that conversation all the way up to and through the front door of unit 4.

Upon opening the door, I saw a single room, fake wood paneling on the walls, green shag carpet and a bed sitting in the middle of the room. Ok, this must just be the living room or something right? As we walked in, I noticed a hallway and thought that the rest of the house might be down there. My roommate was in front of me walking down the hall. We stopped to turn on the lights on what is quite possibly the most disgusting bathroom on planet Earth. I believe I made some comment about bleach, scrubbing bubbles and scrubby pads. As we turned to continue down the hall I saw something that just didn't seem right. In the corner of the next room we were about to walk into was about 20 empty quart bottles of beer piled up in a corner. Additionally, there was a sock, hanging off the foot of someone lying on a bed in that room. That's pretty much all I needed to see to realize that we were about to walk into another person's "unit". I turned around, assuming that my friend had seen the same thing I had and that he was right behind me, to walk out the front door. I was about 2 steps outside the door when I heard it.

Ok, here comes some language you may not like, but this is the reality of the situation.

A voice, screaming hysterically, saying "What the fuck!" over and over again. I saw my friend dash out the door with a slight smile on his face. Once I saw the smile, I was confused, but thought everything was ok. I was wrong.

I heard the screaming again, only this time it was right next to me. I turned to look and saw a man with no shirt, one sock and cut off jean shorts screaming over and over again the same thing. That alone was shocking, but what was horrifying was the fact that he had fresh blood dripping, that's right, freaking dripping off of his face, arms and smeared on his chest. I put my hands up like I was under arrest and started saying some thing like, "Whoa dude. Whoa. We were just looking at, trying to see, we got the key from, uhhh. RUN!" My friend and I bolted back to the Mother ship and tore through the grass in front of the office so that I could throw the key back towards the building and we could be gone.

All and all life in the van wasn't horrible. We were able to use down rooms to take showers in and get ourselves ready for work. We had figured out where all the bars that served free finger foods were and we had a fairly steady diet of "good times" for the time we spent in the van. Ultimately we found a real apartment and started living like human beings again. The van was ultimately auctioned off after the apartment complex people had it towed. We couldn't pay the tow bill or their daily charge so off to the auction block it went.

In the end, we spent a little over a month and a half in that van and celebrated both Thanksgiving and an early Christmas as residents of a Ford Econoline. The experience is something I will never forget and think about from time to time. The cold nights where I shivered so hard I couldn't sleep, or the times that I laughed so hard at the jokes being shared by two guys who literally didn't have a pot to piss in.

Perhaps that whole experience would explain why I now live in a house with 4 bathrooms in it?

Until next time, enjoy the pure random.

Piggy death cough!

Could it be? Is it even possible? Do I have the flu? Not just the flu, but "THE" flu? I have researched as much as I care to about the signs and symptoms of said flu and I seem to have either a mild onset of an ordinary flu bug or the beginnings of the world's favorite pig by-product, second only to bacon, the swine flu.
According to the World Health Organization, this H1N1 strain, commonly referred to as the "Swine Flu" by our friends in the media, is responsible for the 2009 flu pandemic.
So essentially what is being said (in case you have been living under a rock) is that if you feel "flu-ish", you have H1N1. Ok, what now? The media has been beating the drum for months about the virus, especially since someone in Mexico died of the flu apparently within days of being around president Obama. As soon as it looked as though the health of the newly appointed leader of the free world might be compromised, it became an unstoppable monster in media markets all over the world. They even gave it a snappy title! I initially heard the term "Mexican Flu", but that was probably ill received considering the Spanish Flu(La Gripe Española)in 1918 that killed millions of people. The media needed something hipper, catchier, digestible and less "depressing" obviously. Along came Swine Flu. Regardless of who coined the phrase, pigs and piglets out there are catching a bad rap for this virus. I have read reports that pig farmers are selling pork chops at a loss. At a loss people! Oh what sort of world do we live in when the media has the power to stop people from eating pork chops?
The media's reach is long and their messages are powerful to be sure. In fact, all of the reports I see on T.V., read in the newspapers, online as well as the flyers my son brings home from school elevates the level of apprehension I have about the tickle I feel in the back of my throat and the occasional dry-hack of a cough that comes with it. I have been over saturated by a multi-media campaign designed to either raise my awareness or my paranoia. I haven't figured out which one yet. Ordinarily I turn my nose up at such sensationalized broadcasts that rarely amount to much more than making something out of nothing. Like everyone else, I am quick to judge the talking heads reporting on issues such as worldwide pandemics. I simply assume they are either trying to sell me something or force me to live in fear. It took a coworker of mine who suggested that perhaps I should see a doctor about this feeling that I am coming down with something. Like anyone else, credibility is perceived and I would venture to say that a large majority of people would listen to their neighbor over Don Lemon on CNN. It was because of my coworker's suggestion that I called my doctor, but my concern was based on the flood of negative news and my fear that perhaps Mr. Lemon was right. Perhaps this is worse than I had thought.
In my younger days, like a few months ago, I probably wouldn't have done much more than go home, drink plenty of juice, go to bed about an hour earlier than normal and go to work the next day. Now, quite literally, I feel as though maybe I should be quarantined until I can find out for sure. Apparently I am not alone in that thought. My wife was kind enough to bring home a face mask. Even my doctor told me over the phone when I made my appointment that if by tomorrow when I showed up I felt feverish or have body aches that I should use the phone directly outside the front door and someone will come out to me. I am assuming that whoever came out would be in a level "A" HAZMAT suit with a bag of Luden's Cough Drops and a note excusing me from work for a few days. Am I simply this ignorant or is the level to which this virus is being treated, both by medical professionals as well as by the media, warranted? Is it really that big of a deal?
Tomorrow, I will march right into that doctor's office, unless of course I have a fever or body aches in which case I will use the phone outside as directed, and request, no, DEMAND, my bag of Luden's!
The war between me and the piggy death cough has only just begun and I love the smell of cough drops in the morning! It smells like victory.
Until next time, enjoy the pure random.

Random awkwardness

The office was small and standard. It had everything you would expect to see in a doctor's examination room; a small table covered in paper dispensed from a large roll, boxes of sterile gloves, plastic do-dads wrapped up in sealed plastic bags that clearly indicated that the contents were indeed sterile and a poster of puppies placed on the ceiling. The ceiling? Where the hell am I?
I sat in the small visitor chair and bounced my daughter on my knee while I spoke with the nurse who was occasionally handing items to the doctor. The nurse and I carried on pleasant small talk, mostly about my daughter. It was a typical conversation you would have with someone you have literally only known for the last 30 seconds, but it had a touch of over reaching friendliness that extended beyond your typical "passing" conversation. This over-reaching friendliness carried an air of awkwardness. Sort of like a conversation you would expect to overhear between two people trapped in a situation and using their conversation as a buffer to distance themselves from the strange environment that has unfolded before them. It's a lot like watching someone take a nose dive directly at your feet and your only response is to ask the person next to you what they think of the weather.
"So are those your school pictures?" the nurse asked indicating the contact page of proofs hanging out of my bag. "Yes," my daughter said. "What grade are you in?" The nurse continued. "She isn't in a grade," I added. "She is only three." "Oh," the nurse said. "So they do that in day care now?" She asked. "Do what at day care?" the doctor asked. I turned to him to simply say that the day care provides a professional photographer to take pictures of the kids when...
You know, it's at this point I should mention that I have never been in a gynecologist office before. Well, not while they were performing an actual examination. The doctor and I both cracked an awkward smile and maintained an intense level of eye contact as I answered his question. He nodded both in understanding of my answer to his question and acknowledgement of the sitation itself as he continued examining my wife. I believe my wife was simply scanning the poster of puppies taped to the ceiling.
My wife and I found out about a week ago that we are expecting our third child. She had been feeling "sick" for about a week or two and had mentioned this to a nurse as she was arranging to have our other children set-up with flu shots. The nurse had suggested she take a pregnancy test. Both she and I laughed as I ran out to the store that evening to pick up the test. It was going to be negative, we were sure of that. In fact, I came very close to stopping by the liquor store conveniently located next to the drugstore and picking up a bottle of wine to "celebrate" our non-pregnancy. An hour later, I was an expecting dad, again.
Now that the sticker shock has worn off, I am faced with the next 7 months filled with paranoia, fear, excitement and finally relief that everything came out ok. I'm sure that I will drive my wife crazy, more so than normal, with all of the "research" I will do on what she can or can not eat, ensuring that her prenatal vitamins are consumed each and every day (Folic Acid and DHA are important damnit!) and countless other items that I, as a responsible and caring partner, will help my wife keep in the absolute front of her mind. I told you, it's gonna be a long 7 months for my wife.
As we left the doctor's office this evening, I thumbed through the print outs of the ultrasounds that we were provided. I spoke with my wife about our future, I thought about both the short term (the fear and the paranoia) and the long term (the excitement and the relief). I also thought of the awkwardness I shared with my wife's doctor and wondered how many times he has had to look into the eyes of the man whose wife he is "medically exploring". Hopefully I wasn't his first.
Tonight, when I lie down for bed, I will look at the ceiling. It's blank, it's an open canvas. The perfect spot for a poster that could draw my attention away from weighty distractions. Perhaps a poster of a cat hanging from a clothes line with the tag line "Hang in there!"
Until next time, enjoy the pure random.

Boogies for brains!

My daughter came up to me this morning and said, "There is a boogie in my mouth." I asked her how it got there and she simply shrugged. It wasn't a shrug that seemed to suggest she wasn't sure, but more like she hadn't particularly bothered with that detail. That she hadn't really pieced all of that seemingly superfluous information together to tell the story of how she had arrived from point "A" to point "B". Essentially, going from a no "boogie" status to full on "boogie" status. Now, as a rational adult, I'm pretty sure I know how that "boogie" got there. I've seen where she gets them. In fact, I have told her on many occasions that boogies are actually tiny pieces of her brain that she is pulling out and that once they are out, the brain doesn't replace them. I figured that she would either find the idea of eating her own brain disgusting or the fear that she is somehow damaging her mental capacity both compelling arguments that might dissuade her from continuing the, uh, dig, excavation, drilling (choose your verb).
I should stop and say that I haven't given you the full and appropriate picture of my daughter yet. She is not simply a "boogie" aficionado with no other particular noteworthy traits. She is, in fact, quite amazing. Yes, I know, I'm a doting father and automatically lose my impartiality and that my opinions are going to be somewhat weighted, but I continuously find myself being surprised by how she reacts and responds to situations and the sheer capacity to learn that is packed into this 35 lbs three-year-old with light brown hair and blue eyes.
People have, on many occasions, approached me to share their observation of my daughter. Complete strangers offering their compliments to me for either my daughter's hair, outfit or simply how "smart" she is. I, like any other parent, swell with pride at their observations of her as I smile, agree and have my daughter respond with a well-timed, "Thank you," cute enough to soften the hardened heart of even an old cynic like me. To an outsider, I can see where she would be viewed as well behaved. In public she is often cute, polite and listens very well. That's another way of saying that I haven't dragged her through a store kicking, screaming and yelling...yet. Again with the impartiality, but her personality is quite magnetic. She is incurably stubborn, creatlively playful and routinely humorous. She has no fear, not even of the dark, and says exactly what is on her mind. All enviable traits in my opinion. Even though I believe her to be special and wondrous, I'm sure that we all feel that way about our children, and most likely, our parents believed that of us at some point in our lives as well. So I suppose the real question is; what the hell happened? Why aren't we the adorable, honest and inquisitive people that we once were?
There is no simple answer to that. None that I can pretend to see or share. Perhaps it is the price of admission to adulthood? Perhaps people who compliment my daughter are simply responding to something that they had to lose in order to fit in this world as an adult. We all had to trade eating dirt in the sandbox, glue in the art room or bugs in the backyard for swallowing pride at a loss, anger at our perceived problems or crap from another person. Life is the same game; we just play with different pieces now. On the other hand, I suppose if you forced a child into a sweat shop, required them to sew designer clothing and paid them minimally, they would be just as cynical and haggard as the rest of us. Far from the things that make them so special now. Which is quite simply to see the world for what it is, an amazingly large place with so many fantastic unknowns.
In the end, I realize that I am not adorable, cute, or cuddly and I most certainly can't get away with announcing to anyone with in ear shot that I have a "boogie in my mouth". I will certainly have to live vicariously through my daughter in that regard. Incapable of reaching back and becoming what I once was, and living my life as an adult complete with all the responsibilities, hang-ups and set backs that come with leaving the childish things behind.
Perhaps getting back to that innocence is impossible, but then again, I have seen a lot of adults, especially in traffic for some reason, digging for "boogies".
Maybe there is something to that boogie/brains theory I have.
Until next time, enjoy the pure random.

To the faceless, from the nameless

Introductions are difficult. If you think about the definition of introduction as in the act or process of introducing: the state of being introduced, you get the sense that someone should actually be providing assistance with this "process" for you. That some Tibetan Sherpa-like guide should be standing ready to provide you with a full service introduction. The service should come complete with witty and clever banter, jokes and guidance. Personalities could also be made available for a small rental fee.
Unfortunately for most, there is no one there to help navigate them through the southern slopes of a simple "hello." Perhaps that is why simply speaking to someone you don't know, joining a group or team, or the first day of class in a room full of strangers can make some people's nerves burn hot. Everyone, even the ones you think have their act together, are hoping that they find a friend or at least like minds amongst the group. Some of those people, probably most, may be pre-occupied with how they look, how they will be perceived, or, depending on how they were treated when they were younger, they are hoping that they don't meet another Lloyd from 4Th grade who seemed to live for one purpose only; to make them miserable.
Now, here we are, together, you and I, being introduced for the first time. Nervous? Me either. Perhaps it is because we are separated by that dark and empty chasm where human interactions morph into text and emoticons =p. We live in a world now where introductions can be accomplished through E mail, Instant Messages, forums, threads, dating sites, social networks and even blogs. This means that we can live in this virtual world, you and I, and never worry about the potential slips of human nature like tasteless jokes, boring conversation and body odor that are sometimes associated with meeting actual people. I'm not saying one way is right or another way is wrong; I am just making an observation.
To sum this introduction post up, I would like to say that I will strive for, but can't promise, a fresh perspective from an average point of view, humor and everyday musings.
In closing, an introduction, whether it is made in person or on the Web, is an introduction none-the-less. I felt that a good way to actually start this blog was with a quick introduction about introductions. Clever? Not really, but I forgot to purchase the "clever option" from my introduction Sherpa prior to the post. Next time I will be ready for you, and more importantly, the hard part is over; we've already been introduced.

See you next time.